Governator 2: Inauguration Day

From Schwarzenegge...

On Friday, I had to make the dreaded "Sacramento Run" down to the California Dept. of Corrections and Rehabilitation to work on my thesis. Part of me didn't want to make the drive...I had just driven to Sac the day before, and I was still mentaly drained from it. However, on this particular Friday, I knew that Schwarzenegger was going to be sworn in for his 2nd term as governor, and I wanted to be down in Sac for all the brouhaha surrounding it. I had looked online to see if I could somehow get into the auditorium for the ceremony, but it was an "invitation only" event. Armed guards would be outside the building to keep undesirables like me from crashing their party. Besides, I DID vote for Phil Angelides, the Democratic opponent running against Schwarzenegger, so I guess I really had no right to be attending Arnold's coronation in the first place.

As usual, once I arrived at prison headquarters, my fellow co-worker Elijah and I couldn't get any work done due to politics preventing us from getting anywhere with our project. So after 2 1/2 hours of getting nowhere, I convinced Elijah to take a walk with me and check out the inauguration craziness going on outside Memorial Auditorium. Literally, the capital building and the auditorium were only about an 8 block walk away from our headquarters. After convincing another employee—Carlos—to come join us, the three of us moseyed over to the auditorium to witness the spectacle-at-hand. Black government helicopters and news choppers were circling above us. Cops were blocking off streets and shuffling invitees inside through metal detectors. All the news crews had cameras set up on the front lawn of the auditorium, so all three of us assumed that the governor might be arriving through the front entrance.

There wasn't as large of a crowd outside the auditorium as we had expected. They had a giant screen TV set up on the front lawn so all of us losers who weren't invited inside could watch the ceremony. We had one guy named Mark approach us on the street and start talking with us. He looked like a down-on-his-luck Chris Elliot (which is not that much different from the regular Chris Elliot) with scruffy red beard, knit cap and flannel coat. He had a plastic grocery bag containing his lunch in one hand, and a disposable camera in the other. In the middle of his chest, Mark had placed a giant green "Arnold Schwarzenegger" sticker, giving him the appearance of a retarded super hero. We started joking with Mark, asking if he had any tickets to get into the event. Mark told us he didn't, but then proceeded to tell us all about helping out with Arnold's campaign back in November. He got all excited, saying what a "crazy" night it had been on election night with all the free food, and the alcohol, and the girls. He kept mentioning "the girls" over and over again, which I thought was rather odd. It was obviously such a big moment in his life that it was burned into his brain, and he so desperately wanted to share his story with someone. So I bit the bullet and asked him to tell me more about "the girls." Like Rain Man telling a story, Mark proceeded to tell me how he was such a "wild cowboy" that night, got drunk for the first time in his life but "didn't have drugs." He emphasized that point several times, which made me start to wonder if this creepy guy had been living in his mother's basement for the past 42 years. Then Mark started whispering to me about watching "dirty movies" in the hotel room with his campaign buddies, and when he got to the part about "the girls" coming over to their room, he was so giddy with excitement he could barely contain himself. It was pretty obvious that Mark had a pathetic existence, and it was at this point that I realized I was talking with an authentic California whack-job. I should have learned from my Chicago experience that anytime someone random off the street starts talking with you, they either want your money, or they've got a few screws loose. With Mark, it was the latter.

Sensing my desire not to hear Mark reminisce anymore about "the girls," Elijah and Carlos motioned to me to cross the street so we could get a closer view of the mini Jumbotron. Images of black gospel choirs singing on the screen was soon replaced by whorish little girls dancing in their frilly dresses. For a moment, I felt as if I was witnessing the talent show competition in the Little Miss Sunshine pageant. When it got to the part where men and women were tap dancing on stage, hooting and hollering in their patriotic cowboy duds like they were cast members in the California version of "Oklahoma," I knew it was time to leave. Tap dancing hoedowns are where I draw the line.

As we were walking away, Elijah's sixth sense suddenly started going off and he told us all to stay put. All correctional officers claim they have this "sixth sense" that tells them when something big is about to happen. So we hung around a little longer, thinking a motorcade of black cars might show up in front of the auditorium and Arnold Schwarzenegger might hobble out on crutches. Instead, we noticed that a member of the event staff was suddenly passing out tickets to people on the street, and they were going inside! So in front of all the mounted police, biker cops and drug dogs, I jaywalked across the street and ran up to the guy handing out tickets. He had a whole stack of them, so I motioned to Elijah and Carlos to come over and grab some. Looking down at my ticket with the shiny gold seal on it, I felt like a little kid who had just found the lucky golden ticket inside of a Wonka Bar. As we were about to go inside, a television crew stopped Elijah and started interviewing him on television. Since technically we weren't supposed to be at the inauguration and our cover was going to be blown by the six o'clock news, we immediately called our supervisors and told them of our sudden luck. They didn't seem to mind. Within minutes, we were through the metal detectors and on our way to the balcony to see the inauguration.

Even though our seats were high in the balcony, we could still see everything clearly. After four different pastors came out to give prayer (I guess California needs a lot of prayer right now), Maria Shriver read a poem, and then from the back stage, Schwarzenegger hobbled out on his crutches. He came out slowly, looking pretty humbled by his skiing accident. But the audience seemed to love him even more because of his injury. While being sworn in, Maria had to help hold Arnold up, but during his Inaugural Address, he gave the entire speech by himself, standing on one leg without the use of crutches. After his speech, the whole audience started applauding, the band started playing and giant California flags dropped down from the ceiling while spotlights swept across the auditorium. It was an incredible moment, and for the first time in my life, I actually felt proud to be a Californian (but then it quickly disappeared). The ceremony then ended with Jennifer Holliday belting out a song entitled "You're the Man" to Schwarzenegger, after which more gospel choirs and bands performed. Carlos, Elijah and I then scrambled to get out of the auditorium to avoid the onrush of people trying to leave as well.

"Seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger" was on my list of things to do before I head out of California. I never thought I'd actually achieve it, though. Random things happen all the time in my life. That's what makes life so exciting...the unexpected.